The Relationship-Transforming Power of Active Listening
A guaranteed path toward improved communication (discussion questions included)
Scripture emphasizes the importance of listening before speaking.
In James 1:19, we read, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Proverbs 18:13 supports this principle, stating, "To answer before listening–that is folly and shame."
These passages reinforce the significance of active listening in fostering healthy communication in relationships, especially in marriage.
Then why are communication problems one of the primary factors that lead couples to the counseling office?
It’s because the flesh demands to speak and be heard more than listen and understand.
The natural impulse of the sin nature is condemnation not compassion. It’s judgment not mercy. It wants to win more than it’s willing to understand.
This is why active listening is only possible in view of the cross by the power of the Spirit. I don’t have to establish my righteousness by being right or winning an argument. My “rightness” is given to me by Jesus as a gift.
When I consciously live covered by the merit of his blood, not only am I free to listen and understand but also, I’m motivated and empowered by the Spirit to do so.
Because just as the cross tells me my entire life is a gift of grace, the way I communicate with others (a spouse, sibling, neighbor, etc.) becomes a gift of grace, too.
Abiding in Jesus gives me the gospel power necessary to change communication from a speak-first to a listen-first activity.
From this perspective, active listening is an expression of love in action.
By genuinely hearing and understanding a spouse's thoughts and feelings, you demonstrate patience, kindness, and empathy—traits that characterize the love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
And we intuitively know that active listening goes beyond merely hearing words. It involves attentively seeking to comprehend your spouse's emotions, needs, and perspectives.
In fact, active listening fosters an emotional atmosphere of trust and safety reflective of the garden, when Adam and Eve were “naked and unashamed.”
When your spouse feels genuinely heard, they are more likely to feel safe being honest, which provides the opportunity not only for us to listen well, but also to foster a deeper emotional and spiritual connection.
This is the relationship-transforming power of active listening.
To that end, in view of the cross and empowered by the Spirit, some best practices of active listening in a marriage that demonstrate love through communication include:
Giving your undivided attention. When your spouse is speaking, eliminate distractions and focus entirely on their words, tone, and body language. Maintain eye contact and provide non-verbal cues, such as nodding, to show you are engaged. To give your undivided attention, you may need to turn off the TV and close the laptop. 🙂
Allowing your spouse to fully express their thoughts and emotions without interruption or judgment. Practice patience, and refrain from formulating a response (i.e., reloading) while they are speaking.
Ensuring you have accurately understood your spouse by rephrasing their statements in your own words and asking for clarification when necessary. This demonstrates your commitment to understanding their perspective.
Expressing empathy by acknowledging your spouse's emotions and validating their feelings. This does not necessarily mean you agree with them, but it shows that you want to understand.
Once your spouse has finished sharing, take a moment to process the information and respond thoughtfully and respectfully. Use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings while avoiding blame or criticism.
Remember, active listening is a gift of grace because communication is a gospel issue.
Discussion Questions:
How do the passages from James 1:19 and Proverbs 18:13 relate to the importance of active listening in communication, particularly within the context of marriage?
Why do you think the natural impulse of the sin nature is condemnation and judgment rather than compassion and mercy?
In what ways can abiding in Jesus transform communication from a speak-first to a listen-first activity?
How does active listening reflect the love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7?
What are some practical ways to practice active listening in marriage, and how do these strategies demonstrate love through communication?
How can active listening contribute to an atmosphere of trust and safety in a relationship, similar to the experience of Adam and Eve in the garden?
Why is it important to express empathy by acknowledging and validating your spouse's emotions during active listening, even if you don't necessarily agree with them?
How do you think active listening can transform relationships and foster deeper emotional and spiritual connections?